You Won't Believe What KIDS THINK About Their Parents Working

56% of parents assumed their child’s first

choice would be that their parents work less

or that they spend more time together.

Only 10% of the children said

they wished they could spend more time

with their mothers or fathers (15%).

34% said that what they wanted most

was for their parents to be less stressed

and less tired from their work.

Ask The Children

Ellen Galinsky, President of the Families and Work Institute and author of Ask The Children, directed and wrote about one of the most significant studies on work and family that has been published in decades. 1000 children (grades 3-12) and their parents went through extensive interviews to determine how they really think and feel about mom and dad working. The surprising results should help us all relax a little. The amount of time children say they spend with their parents and the overall rating they give to their parental skills had nothing to do with whether they were employed. This is great news for all those “guilty” parents. The majority of children in the study gave both their parents an A in 12 categories, such as “Being there for me when I am sick” and “Making me feel important and loved.”

Good news for working parents!

The most significant finding in this study was the fact that children seemed to be fine with their parents working, but they were affected by how tired and stressed they are when they come home from work. The majority of kids (73%) said that the amount of time spent with parents was either plenty or too much, except for parents who spent only an hour or two a day with their children). Most importantly, this was the same whether they were working or not. This is very good news for parents. It means that we don’t have to feel guilty about how much time we spend away from our children working. We just need to learn how to make the most of the precious time we do have to create the ideal work/life balance we all want.

It's hard to stay energetic with no relief in sight

Parents did acknowledge that work leaves them with less energy for their kids, and they admitted that they tend to withdraw when work is especially demanding. Part of the problem is that we know we won’t have a moment to relax once we get home. This only adds to our stress. Apparently, kids see family life as even more rushed than their parents do. The study shows, however, that when kids spend time with parents who appear relaxed and calm, those children think their parents are successfully managing their work and family responsibilities, and those parents see themselves as better parents.

The more stressed and guilty parents feel, the worse job they see themselves doing as parents. They say and do things, without realizing it, that communicate their stress. Children feel their parent’s stress and rank those parents as not managing their work and family responsibilities as well. Which makes sense. Just like the over-protective mother who makes her child feel nervous about life, the guilty mom keeps apologizing for not being there and trying too hard to compensate. She ends up sending a negative message to her children: “I feel bad that I am not here for you, that I can’t give you what you need.” She’s so worried she isn’t doing enough that she convinces them she’s not.

Kids feel relaxed when their parents are relaxed

If parents come home feeling confident that they have plenty of time to give their children what they really need, kids will pick up on that relaxed, confident mood and will feel they are well taken care of. So, in the end, it’s not so much how our children perceive the situation, but how WE do. As long as we BELIEVE we’re not giving our children what they need, we feel guilty and therefore act more anxious and stressed when anything comes along that cuts into the precious time we have with them.

Everyone should get what they need to be happy

Even when our time is somewhat limited, if we are happy and relaxed and present with our children, they will get what they need and will, in turn, be happy and relaxed. Based on the findings from this study — along with many others — it’s obvious that parents need to find a way to feel good about the time they spend with their children. They need to have a clear understanding of what their children need, and they need to believe that it’s possible to weave those important things effectively into the pockets of time available to us. Parents are only human, and they also require time to relax and recharge. They will be more relaxed, however, if they know that there will be downtime for them at the end of the day: a hot bath, a good book, or a favorite Netflix show — without having to fold laundry or pay bills at the same time.

What does all this mean?

Ellen Galinksy’s Tips for Success

Ellen Galinsky has shown a deep caring and interest in the welfare of working parents and their children throughout her career. The advice she gives parents is based not only on this well-known study, but many years of research and analysis.

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