The Single Most IMPORTANT Thing Parents Can Do for Their Children’s Happiness and Success

Let’s sit down to dinner and talk

Research indicates that clear communication and shared family time are two of the most important protective factors that will positively influence our children’s lives. Eating family meals together combines the power of those two factors. We need to sit down to dinner with our families, and we need to talk — talk about anything and everything. This is the single most important thing we can do for our children. Talk about life. It doesn’t matter if it’s dinner, breakfast or a bedtime snack, as long as you find at least 10 minutes a day to connect and share something to eat. The eating takes the focus off talking and makes even the shyest more comfortable to join in.

The dinner table is where family life happens

It’s where we can give each other support and help solve problems, where we honor and celebrate our victories and our accomplishments. It’s where we pass on precious stories and talk about family values and family traditions. Dinner time is our best opportunity to teach our children what we want them to learn about life.

A good friend of mine can tell you, in a second, the three most important values his dad wanted to teach him: honesty, respect and that “family” matters most. He remembers this vividly because his father talked about those three things often at the dinner table. They shaped the man he is today. How many of us could name, within seconds, the three values our parents held closest to their hearts?

The benefits of family dinners

Family dinners have decreased by 33% over the past 20 years, which is no surprise since our busy lifestyles leave so little time for it. Studies have consistently shown that this lack of connection has a big impact on teenage behavior. Teens who have family dinners 3 or more times a week are 3 times less likely to get involved in risky behavior such as drugs, alcohol, smoking, or unprotected sex. The more often families eat together, the more likely it is that teens do well in school, eat healthy meals, have a positive self-image, and talk about their problems. Regular family dinners mean less stress and tension in the home because parents and children have time to communicate. Researchers have discovered that family mealtimes positively impact children’s:

• sense of belonging

• character development

• health and well being

• communication skills

• commitment to learning

• resistance to peer pressure

Parents need to Insist on dinner together

It’s interesting to note that parents think their teenage kids don’t want to eat dinner with the family, and 59% of teens are eating dinner at home alone. Parents claim their teens are too busy or resistant to come to the dinner table, yet 84% of teens say they prefer eating dinner as a family.

When they are communicating with friends or enjoying entertainment on the internet, of course that is what they prefer to be doing. But in the long run, they want to be included. They want you to want them there. They just don’t want you to know that they want you to want them there! Did you get that? Tricky teenage thinking.

This is where good parenting comes in. Dinner together shouldn’t be an option. We wouldn’t let our children talk us out of getting a vaccination or going to school. This is just as important, so we need to insist. It’s natural for teenagers to resist anything we want them to do, especially if they think we might wobble a bit. As you can see the benefits to teenagers are enormous. And for children of all ages, there is nothing you can do that will make more of an impact than having regular dinners together. Don’t be afraid to insist on what you believe is important.

Joy Competition

“During the month of May, we began the Joy Competition. This particular year had been challenging for our family, and we were having trouble finding joy. So, this was a perfect time to introduce the Joy Competition. Each night at the dinner table, whoever shared three joyful things that happened that day got a sticker on the Joy Chart. When the chart was full, we agreed to celebrate joy together with a special Joy Day outing.

One night, during the competition, my husband struggled to come up with things that were truly joyful. He seemed to be trying to sneak in a few weak suggestions just so he could get his stickers. My son and I were not buying it! I then asked my husband to think harder, to really look for joy and suggested that sometimes he might have to make joy happen with a smile to a stranger or a random act of kindness.

My son had no problem coming up with joyful things each night: his friend sat by him in circle time at preschool; he got to wear his shark shirt; he went down the fire pole for the first time...So I asked my four-year-old son to tell his daddy what joy feels like. He looked at his dad and said, “It feels like my heart is dancin’ in my throat!”                                     

~ Dana Moler ~

Meals together open and deepen connections

When my son Sean was in high school, he had a friend who was at our house many afternoons and evenings, including dinnertime. I always invited this friend to join us for dinner, but he usually declined, saying he wasn’t hungry. He stayed in Sean’s room while we ate dinner together. I kept inviting him and, after a while, he began to join us. At first, he was quiet, but he soon became as engaged as the rest of us in the family conversations.

My twins, who were nine at the time, loved his company. I found out later that this young man was living alone with his dad and that they rarely talked. His hesitation was probably because he was uncomfortable — he wasn’t used to dinner conversations, and he didn’t know how to participate. He became a welcome regular in our home and I saw him blossom over the years.

The art of conversation is more important than ever

One of the concerns with today’s lifestyle is that the excitement with technology is making it less likely that children learn the art of conversation. Kids rarely answer the phone and communicate purely by text. Grandparents have learned to text just so that they can keep in touch with their grandkids. Technology allows you to think before you write, edit, edit, edit, and delete if needed (which is a good thing). But you miss out on so many aspects of conversation that help people connect. The tone of voice, the timing, the natural and genuine, spontaneous flow. Kids are not learning how to con-verse in person and are avoiding it altogether if they can. The result is that everyone is frantically trying to connect through technology and social media platforms, yet they are left feeling disconnected and alone.

Practice makes perfect

The more we eat dinner together, the more comfortable conversation becomes and the more engaged our children become in this activity. The result is lively, interesting dialogues, and those priceless moments that only come when we connect through conversation. We need to be intentional about family dinner conversations...

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