It’s EASIER Than You Think to Create the Family Life You’ve Always Dreamed of

The five realities of family life

There were a lot of things I’ve learned about family life over the years, including why we THINK we can’t have the kind of family life we’ve always dreamed of. The most common is because we’re single parents or divorced. We’re not really a family. Sometimes we believe it’s too late because our children are already teenagers or adults, or we think it takes more money, time and energy than we have.  Many people believe it’s something that just happens and we can’t control it. All of these are myths that we get hung up on. They simply are not true.

1.  It’s easier than we think

The family rituals and traditions that connect us in such powerful ways also make our lives easier. Children and adults alike look forward to the food, decor and activities they enjoyed before. They don’t want us to change it, which means less work for us. We don’t have to come up with new and different things to do or eat every time we get together. We can plan the same holiday activities, use the same decorations, and prepare the same food as we did last year, because that is what our family really wants. Can you imagine the fuss if you tried to change the Thanksgiving menu, cancel the Easter egg hunt or replace the Christmas stockings your family has enjoyed for years? 

2.  It’s never too late to get started

It’s never too late to get started building a happy family life, even if your children are already grownup. Creating family ties is an ongoing, forever evolving process. There’s no beginning and no end. We keep making it better. You can easily start with your grown-up children, your grandchildren, or nieces and nephews. Establishing family traditions and strengthening family ties, with anyone, at any age, is a wonderful gift. 

3.  Families come in all shapes and sizes

Some of us are lucky enough to be born into a big extended family, rich in history and tradition. Most of us are not. And we often watch these families with envy, wishing we had one like that. Sometimes we think we can’t have it because we are single, divorced, without children, or because we live far from our “real” family. You don’t have to be the perfect traditional family to feel like a family. There are single-parent families and spread-across-the-country families who are very close, and seemingly “perfect” families that are totally disconnected. It’s not about “who,” it’s about “what” you do together. A young couple with two small children might create a “family” with an elderly woman next door who has no family close by. Everyone benefits.

4. Be intentional and plan the family life you want

You don’t have to drift along, hoping it will happen. There are many things you can do to steer your family in the right direction. Some people think you can’t force “these things”, and they are right. You can’t force it. You can, however, plant the seeds, add water and fertilizer, and nurture it along. It’s possible to plan for and create the kind of family you want. You just need to understand how it works. You may not be able to make your children continue a tradition from your grandmother, but you can certainly introduce new ones that suit your family’s interests and repeat the ones they seem to enjoy. 

5. You already know what to do

Most of us have an instinctive sense about what it takes to create a happy family life. We all take photos…hundreds of photos. We save our children’s things, the baby blanket, the worn-out stuffed bear, the school papers, and the baby teeth. No one tells us to do these things. We just do them. We also plan lots of holiday celebrations and family get-togethers and we’re always searching for ways to make our loved ones feel special. We simply do these things because we know in our hearts how important they are… just like the instinct we have to create a warm, cozy, inviting home that our family will feel good in. 

The best-ever birthday party!!

You’re probably wondering what “those things” are that I keep referring to. Those things we waste time and money on. Stop and think about all the times you try to make things “perfect” by squeezing in “just one more thing”. Does it really need to be done? Will it really make a difference? Some of the biggest culprits are the elaborate birthday parties and overdone holiday festivities. We work ourselves into a frenzy ... and for what? 

My good friend Karen shared a story with me years ago that is a perfect example of  what I mean by “those things”. Her daughter, Rebecca, decided to have her sixth birthday party at home. She would have been happy with friends and a cake, but Karen’s creative side kicked in and she went to work on what would be the best ever Knights and Dragons birthday party for ten children: homemade tunics, complete with a coat of arms, cardboard swords covered in aluminum foil, crowns (each guest got to decorate one upon arrival), a “Pin the Sword on the Dragon” game and an unbelievable homemade cake in the shape of a castle! 

The party started with the King (Rebecca’s dad) calling on his knights to help him find a dragon causing havoc on the royal grounds. Karen had spread clues throughout the yard, with a final clue leading the ten rampaging girl knights to the dragon, a piñata, which the knights proceeded to slay. It was quite the party!

After everyone left and Rebecca was getting to her new gifts, Karen felt the need for a pat on the back. She was sure Rebecca had loved everything but couldn’t resist asking, “Rebecca, what was your favorite part of the party?” Without hesitation, Rebecca replied, “I loved it when my friends sang Happy Birthday to me.” “I had to laugh at the simplicity of her answer compared to all those weeks of creative craziness,” Karen said. “It made perfect sense. Singing Happy Birthday was one of our favorite family traditions. We sing it in English, Spanish, French and make up silly verses, too…on everyone’s birthday. Since that day, we focus completely on the birthday cake and the Happy Birthday song.”

We all want to feel special

Most of us don’t realize that kids, like adults, look forward to a birthday party simply because it’s their special day. The food, décor and activities are there to treat and entertain the guests. The Happy Birthday song is the one moment at a party when the birthday person is in the limelight — and the focus of family and friends. All those extra “things” may impress people temporarily, but unless there is some emotional connection, the memory is very soon forgotten.

Weddings are another great example. You attend an extravagant wedding that took a year to plan and was perfect down to the littlest detail. No doubt, you are impressed, but a year later you won’t remember much. If, however, the bride places a handwritten card on each guest’s dinner plate, with one simple sentence expressing why that guest was important enough to share this special day with, she will have created an event no one will forget. It’s not about doing everything. It’s about focusing on the important things that make people feel special.

Isn’t this what we all want?

Richard Eyre, co-founder of valuesparenting.com, describes his own birthday tradition. It’s a wonderful example of how traditions are the basis for memories that connect family members, no matter where they are. “On my birthday in October, we had always raked huge piles of autumn leaves with the kids and then jumped in them, stuffed them in our shirts, threw them in the air, and just generally had a wild time. We thought as the kids got older, their interest in such a frivolous activity would fade. On the contrary, when they were teens, the leaf piles just got bigger. Finally, one year, four of our children were away at school or living abroad. On my birthday, four birthday cards arrived. As I opened the first, a leaf fell out and a note, ‘Dad, I honored your birthday tradition. Here’s a leaf from my jumping pile. I love you.’ Through my tears I opened the other three — and a leaf fell from each.”

I doubt if the Eyre children raked together piles of leaves and jumped in them simply to please their dad. I believe they carried on this cherished family tradition because it made them feel closer to their father and connected to everyone else in the family.

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