Work/Life Balance: The ELEPHANT in the Room that No One's talking About is How Parents Parent

Has Dad's involvement relieved Mom's stress?

Due to the natural nurturing instinct women have, and the role they believe they should play in their children’s lives, it’s understandable that there would be guilt around “not being there” for their families. Men, on the other hand, have seen themselves as providers for a very long time. In the 1950s and 1960s fathers came home from work, spent a little time with their children before the kids went to bed, and were perfectly satisfied with that amount of involvement. It was culturally accepted and nothing more was expected. They worked hard all day to make sure their loved ones were fed, clothed and protected. They did their job. There was no guilt or stress around “not being there.” They enjoyed the time they spent with their children, and the children enjoyed the time they spent with their fathers.

Fathers have redefined fatherhood

According to the Boston College Center for Work and Family, and the Fatherhood Report they published: “Young fathers today know that they will have working wives. Their wives are likely to be at least as well if not better educated, just as ambitious as they are, and (possibly) make more money than they do. More importantly, these men feel that being a father is not about being a hands-off economic provider. It’s about paying attention, nurturing, listening, mentoring, coaching, and most of all, being present. It’s also about changing diapers, making dinner, doing drop-offs, pick-ups, and housecleaning. And if that seems as if we are redefining dad, that’s correct, with one small exception. We’re not doing the redefining, the dads are.”

According to new research from The Boston College Center for Work and Family, as well as the Alliance for Work Life Progress, men now report work-life conflict issues in greater numbers than women do.

Now men want to “do it all, in order to have it all”

Ellen Galinsky, President of The Family and Work Institute, wrote a piece for the Huffington Post, where she stated that “The number of women reporting work-life conflict has stayed relatively the same since 1977. The percentage of men experiencing work-family conflict has nearly doubled since 1977, when it was 35 percent.”

Despite the major shifts in attitudes about gender responsibilities, men still feel the expectation to be the primary breadwinner, on top of their new, more nurturing, roles as fathers. Alex Green, general counsel for CareerBuilder, reported that, “As companies downsized during the 2008 recession and work demands accelerated, we saw dads having a harder time finding balance between providing for their families financially and spending quality time with them.”

A report released by the Work and Family Legal Center, based on a survey of approximately 250 mostly white-collar working fathers in 31 states and Washington, D.C. stated that “Three out of four dads worry that their jobs don’t let them be the kind of dads they want to be, and more than half say work/family balance is a source of stress.” One father said in the report, “I want to be the dad who attends all the little league games and dance recitals, the dad who is there in the evening to help with homework, the dad who sits down to dinner with his family every night.”

If today’s fathers are much more involved in their children’s lives than fathers were fifty years ago, why are they more concerned that they are not doing enough? Dads didn’t seem to feel guilty or stressed back then, when they were less involved.

The truth is, both parents are spending more “quality” time with their children today than parents did in the 50’s and 60’s. Mothers were home with their children, but they were busy cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. They did not spend hours playing with their children or entertaining them. Kids were sent outside to play when they got in the way or complained about being bored. Children were put to bed at a decent hour and parents got together as couples in the evening and played bridge. They had a life beyond their kids. You are probably cringing at the thought of this, but it was all perfectly normal and simply the way things were. Parents didn’t feel guilty, and kids didn’t feel neglected, because it wasn’t a parent’s job to entertain their kids, referee every argument, explain “why” 10 times, or do their homework with them. “Because I said so!” was common and kids learned to be independent, resourceful, find things to do, and solve their own disagreements. And parents had a life. They had time for friends, hobbies, and each other.

Parents are creating the problem themselves

A big part of the work/life balance problem for parents today is the enormous number of extra responsibilities and tasks that parents have taken on as they try to manage their children’s lives - AND their emotions - for them. They work hard to give their kids the “perfect childhood,” free from disappointment, rejection, loss, boredom, or frustration, AND full of every activity and opportunity that might enhance their future. Parents have been led to believe that it’s their job to:

GIVE their children self-esteem

MAKE their children happy, and

CREATE success for them

This, of course, is an impossible job and the real reason why parents are all so exhausted, stressed and overwhelmed. The truth is finally starting to reveal itself as more experts are talking about how this type of over-involved parenting is not only making kids feel anxious and stressed, but it prevents them from learning and growing into confident and competent adults. It’s a serious problem for both parents and kids. It needs to stop.

The fact that the more involved we are in our children’s lives, the more guilty and stressed we seem to feel, is the real issue. And the more involved parents are, the more anxious and stressed our children seem to be. The fact that stay-at-home moms claim to be almost as stressed as working moms, leads us to consider the possibility that work is not the REAL problem in the Work/Life Balance equation. It’s how parents are parenting today. If you want to learn more, read DIZZYBUSY DOZEN: 12 Things Parents Should STOP Doing Now!

Learn about REAL-LIFE Parenting

REAL-LIFE is a new parenting style that’s getting a lot of attention from parents who are tired of exhausting and overwhelming parenting strategies that don’t feel right, don’t seem to be working, or do more damage than good. REAL-LIFE is a balanced way of parenting that respects the needs of both parents and children. It’s about being REAL, being REALISTIC, and preparing kids for REAL LIFE. To learn more, click below.

What does a REAL-LIFE Parenting Member get?

The REAL- LIFE Parenting Membership offers a surprisingly simple step-by-step SUCCESS PATH that can transform your family life from chaotic and stressful to balanced and joyful. Click below and you will see the SUCCESS PATH, Trackers, LET’S TALK Conversation Starters, MINDSET Mini-Tools, 3-IN-1 FAMILY FUN Bundles, and other benefits that are included in this $14/month membership program.