LESS IS MORE: The Less We Do for Our Children, the More Successful They Will Be

The famous marshmallow experiment

The Marshmallow Test, a famous experiment conducted in the late 1960s by Walter Mischel, Ph.D., demonstrates the importance of how coping skills can have a major impact on success in life. These studies, involving groups of 4-year-olds, measured their ability to delay gratification: to wait, sacrifice, or work hard now for a reward that comes later. Dr. Mischel left 4-year-old children alone in a room, with a bell, one marshmallow, and a choice: he told them that he had to run out and do some quick errands. If they couldn’t wait until he returned, the marshmallow was theirs to eat. If they could wait (15-20 minutes), they would be rewarded with two marshmallows.

One-third of these preschoolers gobbled up their marshmallow immediately, and two-thirds did all kinds of interesting things to distract themselves (singing, looking away, covering their eyes, and talking to themselves) while they waited. They obviously understood the temptation and found ways to beat it. Hundreds of these kids were followed into adulthood, and the results were significant. Those who waited had much higher grades in high school, went on to better colleges, and were more skilled at coping with frustration and stress.  Those who couldn’t wait were more likely to do poorly in school, become bullies, and have drug problems.

It's easier than you think to teach kids to wait

Teaching children how to control their impulses and stay focused on a goal will better prepare them for real life than a 4.5 GPA and all the extracurricular activities in the world. Many parents understand this instinctively. Telling a child to “eat his vegetables if he wants dessert” or “pick up his toys before he can watch TV” are great examples. You establish rules that require unpleasant tasks to be completed before they receive a pleasant reward. They need to wait or work hard for something better later. Increasing the difficulty of the task and the length of the waiting period will, over time, strengthen this critical coping skill. Here are more examples:

•           As soon as you brush your teeth, I’ll read you a bedtime story.

•           Finish your homework by 7:00 and you can play an hour of video games.

•           When your room is clean, you can leave to spend the night at Sally’s house.

•           Do your chores this week w/o reminders and you go to the movies on Saturday.

•          Get A’s and B’s this semester and we’ll pay for your car insurance.

It’s like learning to walk

It’s no different than holding onto a baby’s hands and helping him learn to walk. If you don’t let go at some point and let him fall, get up, and try again, he will never learn. Yes, he will get frustrated, and yes, he might get a bruise or two, but it’s part of the process. Fortunately, most parents instinctively understand how this works and stand back. They know it won’t happen until the baby is ready and there is no point in trying to rush it.  Perhaps it’s the fact that this takes place in the privacy of our homes and away from judging, competitive eyes. We allow ourselves to just watch and enjoy the excitement and sense of accomplishment our baby experiences.

Remember this one thing

If there is only one message you remember from all the parenting advice you are exposed to, that message should be: LESS IS MORE. The LESS we give and the LESS we do for our children, the MORE successful, and happy, they will be. It may feel uncomfortable at first, since we have been lured into thinking that love means helping, fixing, and solving problems for our kids. But once you understand this simple concept, a light bulb turns on and a huge burden lifts off your shoulders. The result is less guilt, less stress, more free time, plus responsible and respectful kids, a more productive workday, and a happier home.

Over-the-top and out of control

 Most of us are guilty of a going a little too far once in a while. But some parents are out of control, and it doesn’t take much for the rest of us to jump on the bandwagon. A great example is the big, elaborate birthday party that we start planning months in advance. We spend more money on party bags for all the other children than our child’s own present. Another one is the 6th grade graduation photo collage video that used to be what people created for weddings.

Two moms were up at five in the morning, cooking turkeys for a meal that undoubtedly made the family holiday, three days later, feel less special. All I could think of, while I was standing there serving my homemade pie, was how ridiculous this was, since we were already busy trying to prepare for our own family’s dinner. Do our 11-year-old children really need this?  Absolutely not.

We’re teaching our children ...

…that the world revolves around them,

…that what parents want isn’t as important as what children want,

…that we don’t believe they are capable of success without our help,

…that they’re too fragile to handle disappointment, frustration, or failure,

…that we don’t think they’re smart enough, strong enough, or good enough

to find solutions, settle arguments, or fix mistakes on their own,

…that they don’t have to be responsible for their choices or behavior,

…and that trophies and grades are more important than character.

No parent would purposefully choose to communicate these messages to their children. It’s the opposite of what we try so hard to do.  But this is exactly what we’re saying every time we step in to help, fix, rescue, solve, mediate, and overprotect. If this feels like something you’re doing, be sure to read DIZZYBUZY DOZEN: 12 Things Parents Should STOP Doing Now! It about 12 ways we waste time, waste money, drive ourselves crazy, and handicap our kids. Look at each one and ask yourself, “Does this sound like what goes in my home, with my family? I have included stories and statistics that will not only help you see how these actions can affect your children, but also help you explore more effective ways to parent.

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